Eternity Beyond Vacillations

In the beginning, there was nothing. No, that’s not right, SHE was always there, let me start over. In the beginning, I was nothing. Creation for us, isn’t like what you lot go through. There is no flesh to be sundered, no tearing or crying. It’s a coalescing, a form taking shape out of nothingness. 

It was nothingness, truly, SHE and I were the only two things in the universe. SHE was the universe, boundless, eternal, and I was apart from HER. My first thoughts were a mad scramble. Why was I alone? Why was SHE there and I here (There was no such thing as “here” or “there”, those came later).

I tried going back to HER, it seemed as impossible as a raindrop trying to find its way back to the clouds. The more I struggled, the further back I got pushed. I kept trying, forcing to get closer, till there came another explosion. I was sent hurtling away from her as Brother Time and Sister Space were born. 

My misery was compounded further. I now knew exactly how far away we were and how much time I had spent bereft of HER. I tried enlisting the help of my siblings but they were deaf and mute. They couldn’t help but follow their nature. Sister space opened her arms and began to swell. She birthed things inside her, magnificent things, things that began to glow and twirl. Brother Time made them grow, made them change and form new things in turn.

During all this, my face was turned, in supplication, towards HER. The mad dance of creation happening all around did not make me waver from my devotion, it had nothing to offer me. I was like a hungry beggar lost in the ruins of a temple long abandoned. I drifted through Sister Space, watching for signs of her. As Brother Time played the symphony of creation with their children. 

My hunger and love for HER kept increasing. The love of a grandmother looking in the eyes of her first grandchild, the love of a husband glancing at his bride walking down the aisle, the love of a daughter grasping the dirt from her father’s grave, these are all pebbles on the beach, the beach that is my love for HER.

Drifting for eons through Sister Space, I found no signs of HER. I shifted my attention towards their children then. Maybe SHE had scattered herself among them. Perhaps I would have to find HER and put HER back together. Their children were countless in number, coming in all shapes and sizes, giant things that burned with light and arrogance. Even bigger things that had formless emptiness inside them, an endless abyss. 

I started looking at the smallest of their children then. Rough hewn things, twirling shyly around their older siblings. Turning their faces towards the light one moment and hiding them the next. Among the little ones, I found changes happening so fast, I couldn’t keep up with them. 

I had to bring myself down closer, till my awareness was filled by these microcosms. I saw skies forming, Mountains rising, Oceans roiling. Among them, I sensed hints of beauty and wonder, anything that possessed those qualities could only come from HER. But Brother Time was unwavering in his march. He would not stop for any of his children. He kept moving onwards, dragging their lifeless corpses in his wake, like a ruthless predator cleaving through seas with jaws wide open. 

I tried once again, to bargain with my siblings. To beg them for the lives of their children, to let them thrive in the worlds they had created but as ever, true to their nature, they remained silent. I knew then, hope was not drifting aimlessly, caressing the dark body of Sister Space. It was here, among these tiny creatures, who blinked in and out of existence. I could feel HER, trying to take shape through these feeble little things but SHE was too weak to withstand the onslaught of my brother. 

By then, the world (your world) had taken shape. Change on the planet was constant, it’s surface teeming with life. I knew then what I had to do. Looking carefully, as SHE would,  I found a bright child. Curious little thing, symmetrical in some ways yet not in others. Trying to stand on two legs, reaching for something.

With great will and effort, I pulled myself apart and subsumed myself in them. Immediately, the changes began to take hold. You grew taller and stronger. You started forming bonds with each other and the world. Despite your short lives, you began creating things that Brother time could not erase. 

As I lay dying within your world. The silence was broken, I heard the furious voices of my siblings. They were telling me I had perverted their creations, I had given rise to monsters by giving them free will. A tiger hunted because it was hungry, it bore no ill will to the deer, a bear had no malice for the salmon that it plucked out of the stream. They merely followed their nature, but these children could choose. 

They could choose to be cruel to each other, to hurt, maim and kill (as many of you had already started doing). They could choose to do evil, choose to go against nature. My siblings thought me mad, unhinged in my longing for HER. They cursed my name. I was too far gone for their insults to reach me. I felt a sense of relief wash over me because I knew something they didn’t. This wasn’t the first universe, it won’t be the last. 

If you could choose how to hate, you could also choose how to love (as many of you will). You would choose to be kind, you’d choose to help rather than hurt. And whenever that happened, whenever you chose love over hate, kindness over cruelty, in those moments, SHE and I would be reunited.